I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
