Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
