Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
