I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
