LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
