Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
