Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
