he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
