I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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