I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
