ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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