My friends, they love my intelligence
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
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