it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
