I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
