God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
