Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
