Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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