I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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