Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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