I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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