I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
