I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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