i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
