Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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