Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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