The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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