I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
