i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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