I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
