Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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