i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
