Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i now understand why vodka
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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