My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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