I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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