so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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