it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I currently don't understand fingers.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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