I accidentally had phone sex last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
