my mouth tastes like poor choices
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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