When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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