my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
