I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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