I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
