...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
