I wish they made helmets for livers.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I love you. Go after that dick
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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