my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
