i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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