If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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