booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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