I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
