It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
