so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
