Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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