I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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