Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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