you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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